A Play for Our Times
“They who have put out the people’s eyes, reproach them of their blindness.” ~Milton
Six years ago I wrote the short play, RETURNS. Upon re-reading, I decided it could not be more relevant today. What do you think?
It’s a four-to-five-minute read. Let me know your thoughts in the comments — I’m always interested in what thoughts or feelings my artistic offerings provoke.
RETURNS
by Mary Poindexter McLaughlin
All Rights Reserved.
LIGHTS UP on a customer service counter where the CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE (any age) stands, looking bored.
REPRESENTATIVE
Next.
The young WOMAN in line does not step forward.
REPRESENTATIVE
Um, hello...
WOMAN
Oh! Me?
REPRESENTATIVE
Yes, you.
WOMAN
Great.
She steps up to the desk, a little awkwardly.
REPRESENTATIVE
Hi-how-can-we-help.
WOMAN
Well, I have a return--
REPRESENTATIVE
Receipt?
WOMAN
What? Oh, no.
REPRESENTATIVE
Gift?
WOMAN
No, it wasn’t a gift. I--
REPRESENTATIVE
You bought it.
WOMAN
I -- yes, I--
REPRESENTATIVE
So...
WOMAN
So...
REPRESENTATIVE
The item.
WOMAN
Oh! Ha! Of course.
She feels in her bag and takes a box out. Puts it gently on the counter.
Here.
He sighs, opens the box, looks inside.
REPRESENTATIVE
Oh.
WOMAN
Uh huh.
REPRESENTATIVE
Is it broken?
WOMAN
No.
REPRESENTATIVE
Defective?
WOMAN
Possibly.
REPRESENTATIVE
Huh. No, we can’t take this back.
He closes the box, pushes it back to her.
WOMAN
What? No? Why not?
REPRESENTATIVE
We just can’t.
He gestures to a sign behind him.
See?
WOMAN
See... what.
REPRESENTATIVE
(sighs)
The sign. “Some sales are final.”
WOMAN
What does that mean?
REPRESENTATIVE
C’mon, really?
WOMAN
“Some sales”? Why “some”? Isn’t that... arbitrary?
REPRESENTATIVE
I don’t make the rules, lady.
WOMAN
Well, I think they’re arbitrary.
REPRESENTATIVE
Think whatever you want.
WOMAN
Thank you, I will.
REPRESENTATIVE
Great!
He pushes the box toward her, calls out:
Next!
WOMAN
Wait, I’m not done here--
REPRESENTATIVE
Actually,--
WOMAN
No. I’m not.
REPRESENTATIVE
Look, there’s nothing--
WOMAN
I’m not happy with this thing!
REPRESENTATIVE
Okay...
WOMAN
And I don’t want it.
REPRESENTATIVE
You bought it, didn’t you?
WOMAN
Yes, but I didn’t know that much about it.
REPRESENTATIVE
Why not?
WOMAN
I was too busy. And--
REPRESENTATIVE
Ha! Too busy? With what? What someone wore on the red carpet? Losing weight? Who won the football game on Sunday? Pumpkin spice lattes? Fighting with your insurance company? Cyberbullying? Honoring the military? The prison-industrial complex? The surveillance state? Some mass shooting?
WOMAN
(surprised)
Yes!
REPRESENTATIVE
Oh, please...
WOMAN
And I have two little girls, one is autistic. She needs extra help.
REPRESENTATIVE
Two? Aren’t you a little young?
WOMAN
I don’t think that's any--
REPRESENTATIVE
So. You were “too busy.” Do you work?
WOMAN
Some. It’s been hard to find a job that pays enough to support us.
REPRESENTATIVE
Where's your husband?
WOMAN
Fighting in Iraq. No, Syria. Yemen. Wait-- Libya. Sorry. Somalia.
REPRESENTATIVE
Uh huh. Okay, well, we're sorry you were “too busy” and you don’t like this thing now, but you could’ve read reviews about this BEFORE you bought it.
WOMAN
I tried to, but it got really confusing. All the reviews said something different, and then one reviewer said that I shouldn’t trust the other ones, and then THEY said that that reviewer was a phony... I didn’t know who to listen to.
REPRESENTATIVE
Well, that’s too bad. But we can’t take it back.
WOMAN
What am I going to do? My neighbors hate it! And they all think I’m a terrible person for buying it!
REPRESENTATIVE
Maybe you are.
WOMAN
What?
REPRESENTATIVE
Maybe you are. You really should’ve known better. Were you drunk?
WOMAN
No.
REPRESENTATIVE
Drugs?
WOMAN
No. I’m on medication--
REPRESENTATIVE
Aha! What for?
WOMAN
High cholesterol, high blood pressure, anxiety, insomnia, and depression.
REPRESENTATIVE
Oh, those. Are you stupid?
WOMAN
No, I-- I went to school. I sat in my seat all day and filled in all the little bubbles. I got excellent grades.
REPRESENTATIVE
Did you cheat?
WOMAN
Of course.
REPRESENTATIVE
What about art? Did you draw or paint? Sing? Dance?
WOMAN
Nope.
REPRESENTATIVE
Write stories? Read poems?
WOMAN
In school?
REPRESENTATIVE
Yes!
WOMAN
Was I supposed to?
REPRESENTATIVE
Absolutely not.
WOMAN
How does all of this--
REPRESENTATIVE
Just doing my job.
WOMAN
Oh.
REPRESENTATIVE
Do you believe in God?
WOMAN
I go to church every Sunday.
REPRESENTATIVE
Even better.
Pause.
Well. You're not a terrible person, that's clear. But you still didn’t have to buy this one. It’s not the only one we had on sale.
WOMAN
No?
REPRESENTATIVE
No.
WOMAN
I couldn’t see any other options.
REPRESENTATIVE
Well, they were there, alright. Lots of them. Hundreds. At least four. Realistically, two.
WOMAN
Two.
REPRESENTATIVE
Yep! So you didn’t have to buy this one.
WOMAN
I guess not.
REPRESENTATIVE
You really should have known better.
WOMAN
There were a LOT of ads--
REPRESENTATIVE
Well of course there were! Our job is to sell! That’s what this place is all about!
WOMAN
I know--
REPRESENTATIVE
And that’s what makes it great! The greatest place on Earth! You can buy whatever you want here. Anything! Everything! All the time!
WOMAN
Yes--
REPRESENTATIVE
And just because we pour billions and billions of dollars into proven tactics that convince you to buy something you don’t want or don’t think is good for you doesn’t mean you should buy it!
WOMAN
Okay--
REPRESENTATIVE
Right? Do you smoke?
WOMAN
No.
REPRESENTATIVE
Even though we pushed it on you?
WOMAN
You did?
REPRESENTATIVE
Exactly! Thank you!
WOMAN
What does--
REPRESENTATIVE
Let's recap. You came in here, saw something you thought you wanted and bought it. And now you want to return it. Bottom line? Not our problem.
WOMAN
No, I didn’t.
REPRESENTATIVE
You what, you didn’t buy it?
WOMAN
Yes, I did--
REPRESENTATIVE
(sighing exasperatedly)
Then what. What. WHAT?
Pause.
WOMAN
I didn’t see it.
Pause.
REPRESENTATIVE
Lady, I don’t--
WOMAN
I didn’t see it. I couldn’t... see it.
He stares at her. Then he slowly waves one hand in front of her face. She does not respond, for she is blind. She reaches for the box, fumbles for it, takes hold of it.
WOMAN
So, that’s fine. I’ll just take it back home. Some sales are final, right?
Pause.
REPRESENTATIVE
Look, I'm just doing my job.
WOMAN
Of course you are.
She takes out a cane from her bag, extends it, and starts to leave, using it to guide herself.
REPRESENTATIVE
Hey!
She stops.
Ya know, we've got another great sale coming up soon.
WOMAN
Oh?
REPRESENTATIVE
Yep! You'll love it. All new merchandise, top-of-the-line stuff.
WOMAN
Thanks, but I don't think I'll be back.
REPRESENTATIVE
No? Okay sure, fine with me, do whatever you want.
WOMAN
I will.
REPRESENTATIVE
It's a free country, right?
Pause.
WOMAN
If you say so.
LIGHTS DOWN.
END OF PLAY