Extraordinary what you've honed in on with so few words, Mary.
Ahh... yes. Survival is not healing, and survival is not really living but sometimes we settle for that.
Will she hear me
if I talk of freedom through fire,
that blessed element
of transformation,
a furnace
called forgiveness
that cracks apart
even the densest of stones?
I hope she does.
Good that you remember the girl 'whose face danced with mischief.' A witness who really knows and loves us is a reflection we can't really ignore. I feel your poem is calling her to her more essential self, and what a beautiful thing to do.
"Her more essential self," yes. Perfect way to describe it. I do think friends/community is a critical impetus to growth, healing, and self-knowledge. It's rare, though. So many of us shy away from telling each other the truth, whether it's about what's going on in the world, or in ourselves.
Because I’m always behind on catching up on stacks, I often find Kathleen already delivering what I would have liked to say, and of course, in perfect eloquence.
However you channel the meaning of the universe to come through your words, Mary, it is a balm to my heart and soul. I keep coming around the theme of “reflecting on the past to heal ancestral trauma for the future generation” and it echoes in your words as well. Now to only actually figure out how to apply it in my life. ❤️
Well that was probably the most synchronicitous arrival of an article I have yet experienced, dealing as it does with the kernel of a 2 hour conversation with a friend finished barely an hour ago.
Ah, yes, Mary. Healing is such an elusive thing. "I healed from this. I healed from that." But life is constantly evolving from moment to moment. Our past rears its (sometimes ugly) head and in the blink of an eye we can come undone again. Plus, we are all built so differently and how we "deal/heal/survive" can be worlds apart from others.
So true. I think of healing as a spiral, such that when we come back around to the pain, we've lifted up from it at least a little, sometimes a lot -- based on, as you said, how we are built and how we deal.
That was lovely and exactly how I feel. Did you step into my dreams and pluck from my past? From how I feel in the present? Because that is spot on. We all step through what we have to, to make us who we are today. And how we deal with our past, as a crutch or a catapult to conscious growth? That is our foundational character and something that can be learned despite genetic predisposition to head for the "Poor Me" ship of fools. ♥♥♥ to you MPM
I'm glad this resonated, SadieJay! I love your phrase: "as a crutch or a catapult." That's so perfect, and it CAN be learned, I agree. The "Poor Me" attitude seems like it's been fed and watered everywhere, no?
I hear the word survival being thrown around a lot recently...yet what do we do after we survive? What is survival really mean, if it's at the expense of compromising our values and degrading our soul?
Soul survival is the ultimate way to prepare for when the spiritual sh*t hits the fan.
I love how you said "her eyes danced with mischief...."
What a great comment, Roman. Yes, "survival" seems like the only stated goal for many, but as you astutely observe, to what end? I'm thinking in particular of the uber-wealthy tech giants, building massive underground bunkers. I feel like they are prima facie evidence that there ARE fates worth than death.
So grateful for your presence here, and this comment!
Hi Mary, thank you for that. Funny I would say that "fates worse than death" and people always say, what's worse than death? A life without soul...yet that is concept that escapes many...
Btw if I can ask you a personal question- how has your sleep been since adjusting / removing the earthing sheet and/or shutting off the power?
Argh! I haven't done that yet. I just talked to my husband... We're going to use an EMF tester to test the bed with and without the sheet, and try turning off the power to our bedroom at night. Thank you for the reminder!
Haha I hear you Mary...lots of stuff to do, eh?! A body voltage meter would work...lie down on the bed with the sheet plugged in. Do you shut the power off to the bedroom at night?
FYI we also recently launched an EMF 101 Masterclass where we cover these types of topics, we would love for you to join us! No pressure, just letting you know:
Everyone has already said it all, but I had a similar breakup with a friend that caused me to seek help, which was my "freedom through fire". My emotions were off the charts, and I didn't know how to deal with it. I've tried a number of times to reconcile with her and no luck. And going through what I went through was the last thing she wanted to do. After all, I was the one with the problem. So, there's nothing else I can do at this point, but it still hurts. Thanks, Mary, beautiful, deep piece of poetry. xox
I'm sad to read this, Rocket. Sometimes letting go is the only option, but boy does it hurt. Have you been able to get to a place of forgiveness? (And you don't have to answer publicly, of course, or even at all. I'm just curious and I care about you...) xox
I'm so glad, Patricia. "Barely singed" -- that sounds intriguing. I can't tell if that means you're right at the beginning of it, or if you're finding a way to remain unscathed... either way, it's the going through it that matters. xox
Feb 26·edited Feb 26Liked by Mary Poindexter McLaughlin
Healing is a lifelong process that comes & goes in tides & waves. And earthquakes trigger tidal waves.
Timing for this was interesting. I had just had a dream that I was in a shopping mall or village. There was some kind of delay announced. My parents & sisters appeared & my father went on a nasty rant, "As soon as I heard there was a delay I knew it is was you...."
I woke up before I could hear the rest.
2 nights later he returned, but before he could start in I was screaming, "You killed my boy! You killed my boy!" Shrill, piercing high-pitched needle voice. He flew back & away away like a balloon blown up & released untied. A demon blowing hot air.
Because he was complicit. When witnesses came forward, he tried to blame them. When that blew up in his face, he blamed me. And my mother & sister joined in...
From "he was complicit" is waking, healed-to-memory (as opposed to unprocessed trauma re-experienced/ptsd.
I didn't have full, conscious re-experience until 2015-2016 when I imagined could make it the basis of a book, & had the time & space to try. As the full experience returned, no way.
8 years later I still have new revelations. Eg, I not only lost my boy, I lost my father (or who I thought he was before he morphed into a monster), my sister (who continues to assassinate my character), my entire extended family. The universe provided clues as to why he hated me so much, why he could never look me in the eye (unless he was spewing hate). His demon was an intense, spiteful jealousy of his brothers & blame for his mother. Turns out I not only inherited her name, I also have her eyes & bone structure. Only nose is substantially different.
Interesting. One of the reasons I wrote this poem was because I've witnessed so much healing within the work my husband does -- past life trauma reversals, etc. Based on what I've learned, I'd argue that even death doesn't heal all.
I think it *can* heal...if you've done your work to completion.
My most recent "revelation" was return of the memory of why I was so firmly entrenched in my anger at my parents. It was when I realized I was forgiving them too easily & still feeling desperate for "normal" relations. That they would never change, the pattern was repeating & they would continue to destroy what was left of my life.
So decades ago I chose to cling to my anger & not forgive & locked them out pretty much completely. (It helped that answering machines went retail.)
But they're dead now & can't hurt me. So I know longer need to be angry. What was done, was done. And I have some reason to believe I will be with my boy after I die.
Ah, friendships 're like iron filin's ain't they? Some stick ta that ol' horseshoe magnet thru all kinds a weather, all kinds of hot/cold/frost an' do so even when the magnet don't barely touch it--just' passin' by with the thing, the pull is so easily repeated even after years past if somehow there's a mechanical--vs deeper--separation, the mem'ry of the long-ago forces of chaste but mighty magnetic attraction--with many filin's always clingin' to the thing... BUT one degaussin' wipe, one anti-platonic "e.m.p." on the whole affair (as opposed ta the neutral mechanical kind'a relocation separation) kin near-wreck that magnet, sever the pull, scatter them filin's (an' the thoughts filed away too!)--even with some tiny bits wanna keep the ol' pull, hopin' the furness--'er warm soft fur-ness--of forgivness 'll re-instate the bond, the shared good luck horseshoe that once seemed so simple, so elegant, a given...
Yup, been there too...an' I also member dancin' faces whose mem'ry just leaves a faint impression of.... gravity...
that said... I do hope it works out... kin we make up a word, "regauss?" ;-)
LOVE this analogy, Daisy. What a beautiful comment, and concept. Who would think that a magnet could ever be wrecked so thoroughly by an outside force like that? And yet, that's exactly what's happened...
We can make up any word we want, and "regauss" is now officially born, I say. :-)
Survival is not healing...those are the words that stopped me.
I wonder...is this really true? Healing, of course, implies repairing something that is damaged. Perhaps in that moment of reparation, something can continue existing despite conditions that might destroy it. Maybe it is love...a familiar story told throughout the ages of love that’s been damaged through neglect. And maybe, despite harsh conditions and hurtful words, love can emerge anew – it survives...and heals.
But then I re-read your words and began to think some more. I recalled the last words my mother spoke to me. They were hurtful and cruel – they pierced my soul. I’ve survived many years since that moment in the sanitized hospital room, but the damage was thorough and never really felt repaired. I tried forgiveness...but really, what was I forgiving? And so, I offer myself as evidence of surviving without healing...so far, anyway...
Wow, Jack. Some serious soul-searching and raw honesty here. Thank you for that.
I've been in that same place, as have so many others who reached out to me after reading this... you are most definitely not alone, if that's any consolation.
I love the "so far, anyway..." because it hints at the great truth that as long as we breathe, repair is possible. And actually, it may be possible in the great beyond, as well, but I can't be sure about that... :-) xox
Sometimes...I think resignation works wonders to keep me moving along the survival path until healing appears and repairs any dangling nerves - I'm just not sure when that healing will occur. As the great Van Morrison sings, "I'm just playing the healing game."
Extraordinary what you've honed in on with so few words, Mary.
Ahh... yes. Survival is not healing, and survival is not really living but sometimes we settle for that.
Will she hear me
if I talk of freedom through fire,
that blessed element
of transformation,
a furnace
called forgiveness
that cracks apart
even the densest of stones?
I hope she does.
Good that you remember the girl 'whose face danced with mischief.' A witness who really knows and loves us is a reflection we can't really ignore. I feel your poem is calling her to her more essential self, and what a beautiful thing to do.
Loved this.
"Her more essential self," yes. Perfect way to describe it. I do think friends/community is a critical impetus to growth, healing, and self-knowledge. It's rare, though. So many of us shy away from telling each other the truth, whether it's about what's going on in the world, or in ourselves.
Thanks for your kind comment, Kathleen. xox
Because I’m always behind on catching up on stacks, I often find Kathleen already delivering what I would have liked to say, and of course, in perfect eloquence.
However you channel the meaning of the universe to come through your words, Mary, it is a balm to my heart and soul. I keep coming around the theme of “reflecting on the past to heal ancestral trauma for the future generation” and it echoes in your words as well. Now to only actually figure out how to apply it in my life. ❤️
Thank you, Tonika, for the sweet words. I'm glad my offerings bring some kind of relief.
And I have some ideas on the healing ancestral trauma part. We'll talk. ❤️
Talk to the Rev. about that. I'm certain she'd be of some help.
You're never too late to comment, you've got your own unique and appealing style, even if you were to make the same point.
Very kind of you to say, Rocket, thank you. :)
Well that was probably the most synchronicitous arrival of an article I have yet experienced, dealing as it does with the kernel of a 2 hour conversation with a friend finished barely an hour ago.
Thank you.
Warms my heart to know, Yvette. Thanks for telling me.
Ah, yes, Mary. Healing is such an elusive thing. "I healed from this. I healed from that." But life is constantly evolving from moment to moment. Our past rears its (sometimes ugly) head and in the blink of an eye we can come undone again. Plus, we are all built so differently and how we "deal/heal/survive" can be worlds apart from others.
Beautiful piece. Lots to reflect on. XO
So true. I think of healing as a spiral, such that when we come back around to the pain, we've lifted up from it at least a little, sometimes a lot -- based on, as you said, how we are built and how we deal.
Thanks, Barbara. Appreciate you! xox
That was lovely and exactly how I feel. Did you step into my dreams and pluck from my past? From how I feel in the present? Because that is spot on. We all step through what we have to, to make us who we are today. And how we deal with our past, as a crutch or a catapult to conscious growth? That is our foundational character and something that can be learned despite genetic predisposition to head for the "Poor Me" ship of fools. ♥♥♥ to you MPM
I'm glad this resonated, SadieJay! I love your phrase: "as a crutch or a catapult." That's so perfect, and it CAN be learned, I agree. The "Poor Me" attitude seems like it's been fed and watered everywhere, no?
❤️ right back atcha.
I hear the word survival being thrown around a lot recently...yet what do we do after we survive? What is survival really mean, if it's at the expense of compromising our values and degrading our soul?
Soul survival is the ultimate way to prepare for when the spiritual sh*t hits the fan.
I love how you said "her eyes danced with mischief...."
Thanks for shining bright for us all Mary.
What a great comment, Roman. Yes, "survival" seems like the only stated goal for many, but as you astutely observe, to what end? I'm thinking in particular of the uber-wealthy tech giants, building massive underground bunkers. I feel like they are prima facie evidence that there ARE fates worth than death.
So grateful for your presence here, and this comment!
Hi Mary, thank you for that. Funny I would say that "fates worse than death" and people always say, what's worse than death? A life without soul...yet that is concept that escapes many...
Btw if I can ask you a personal question- how has your sleep been since adjusting / removing the earthing sheet and/or shutting off the power?
Agreed.
Argh! I haven't done that yet. I just talked to my husband... We're going to use an EMF tester to test the bed with and without the sheet, and try turning off the power to our bedroom at night. Thank you for the reminder!
Haha I hear you Mary...lots of stuff to do, eh?! A body voltage meter would work...lie down on the bed with the sheet plugged in. Do you shut the power off to the bedroom at night?
We have an EMF tester that also does voltage. Is that sufficient?
And we haven't shut the bedroom power off yet, but will try it!
Gotcha. Yes definitely shut off the power, dirty electricity can ride along ground paths, and is exacerbated when their is more current present.
That type of tester is probably just measuring the volts/meter in the air (electrical air currents).
Body voltage is more accurate as voltage is the "potential" for other currents to ride along your nervous system pathways.
You need a meter with probes. This is the type I have:
https://safelivingtechnologies.com/products/body-voltage-home-test-kit.html?aff=265
FYI we also recently launched an EMF 101 Masterclass where we cover these types of topics, we would love for you to join us! No pressure, just letting you know:
https://www.thepowercouple.ca/emf-101-register
Everyone has already said it all, but I had a similar breakup with a friend that caused me to seek help, which was my "freedom through fire". My emotions were off the charts, and I didn't know how to deal with it. I've tried a number of times to reconcile with her and no luck. And going through what I went through was the last thing she wanted to do. After all, I was the one with the problem. So, there's nothing else I can do at this point, but it still hurts. Thanks, Mary, beautiful, deep piece of poetry. xox
I'm sad to read this, Rocket. Sometimes letting go is the only option, but boy does it hurt. Have you been able to get to a place of forgiveness? (And you don't have to answer publicly, of course, or even at all. I'm just curious and I care about you...) xox
Check your email for reply.
"for I too
have carried the weight
of unwanted souvenir stones"
Wow - you've done it again - put into words so much that so many of us feel/have felt/will feel.
"a furnace called forgiveness" - been going through that one recently and only barely singed from it...
Thank you for this poem!
I'm so glad, Patricia. "Barely singed" -- that sounds intriguing. I can't tell if that means you're right at the beginning of it, or if you're finding a way to remain unscathed... either way, it's the going through it that matters. xox
Here’s to more open armed, unbounded girls running free!
Cheers to that! xox
Healing is a lifelong process that comes & goes in tides & waves. And earthquakes trigger tidal waves.
Timing for this was interesting. I had just had a dream that I was in a shopping mall or village. There was some kind of delay announced. My parents & sisters appeared & my father went on a nasty rant, "As soon as I heard there was a delay I knew it is was you...."
I woke up before I could hear the rest.
2 nights later he returned, but before he could start in I was screaming, "You killed my boy! You killed my boy!" Shrill, piercing high-pitched needle voice. He flew back & away away like a balloon blown up & released untied. A demon blowing hot air.
Because he was complicit. When witnesses came forward, he tried to blame them. When that blew up in his face, he blamed me. And my mother & sister joined in...
Wow. That sounds like an intense piece of dreamwork. I hope you move through it into some form of healing...
The dreaming ended when he was blown away.
From "he was complicit" is waking, healed-to-memory (as opposed to unprocessed trauma re-experienced/ptsd.
I didn't have full, conscious re-experience until 2015-2016 when I imagined could make it the basis of a book, & had the time & space to try. As the full experience returned, no way.
8 years later I still have new revelations. Eg, I not only lost my boy, I lost my father (or who I thought he was before he morphed into a monster), my sister (who continues to assassinate my character), my entire extended family. The universe provided clues as to why he hated me so much, why he could never look me in the eye (unless he was spewing hate). His demon was an intense, spiteful jealousy of his brothers & blame for his mother. Turns out I not only inherited her name, I also have her eyes & bone structure. Only nose is substantially different.
Some healing doesn't finish until you die.
Interesting. One of the reasons I wrote this poem was because I've witnessed so much healing within the work my husband does -- past life trauma reversals, etc. Based on what I've learned, I'd argue that even death doesn't heal all.
Thanks for commenting, SBW...
I think it *can* heal...if you've done your work to completion.
My most recent "revelation" was return of the memory of why I was so firmly entrenched in my anger at my parents. It was when I realized I was forgiving them too easily & still feeling desperate for "normal" relations. That they would never change, the pattern was repeating & they would continue to destroy what was left of my life.
So decades ago I chose to cling to my anger & not forgive & locked them out pretty much completely. (It helped that answering machines went retail.)
But they're dead now & can't hurt me. So I know longer need to be angry. What was done, was done. And I have some reason to believe I will be with my boy after I die.
May it be so. Blessings, SBW.
Ah, friendships 're like iron filin's ain't they? Some stick ta that ol' horseshoe magnet thru all kinds a weather, all kinds of hot/cold/frost an' do so even when the magnet don't barely touch it--just' passin' by with the thing, the pull is so easily repeated even after years past if somehow there's a mechanical--vs deeper--separation, the mem'ry of the long-ago forces of chaste but mighty magnetic attraction--with many filin's always clingin' to the thing... BUT one degaussin' wipe, one anti-platonic "e.m.p." on the whole affair (as opposed ta the neutral mechanical kind'a relocation separation) kin near-wreck that magnet, sever the pull, scatter them filin's (an' the thoughts filed away too!)--even with some tiny bits wanna keep the ol' pull, hopin' the furness--'er warm soft fur-ness--of forgivness 'll re-instate the bond, the shared good luck horseshoe that once seemed so simple, so elegant, a given...
Yup, been there too...an' I also member dancin' faces whose mem'ry just leaves a faint impression of.... gravity...
that said... I do hope it works out... kin we make up a word, "regauss?" ;-)
LOVE this analogy, Daisy. What a beautiful comment, and concept. Who would think that a magnet could ever be wrecked so thoroughly by an outside force like that? And yet, that's exactly what's happened...
We can make up any word we want, and "regauss" is now officially born, I say. :-)
Survival is not healing...those are the words that stopped me.
I wonder...is this really true? Healing, of course, implies repairing something that is damaged. Perhaps in that moment of reparation, something can continue existing despite conditions that might destroy it. Maybe it is love...a familiar story told throughout the ages of love that’s been damaged through neglect. And maybe, despite harsh conditions and hurtful words, love can emerge anew – it survives...and heals.
But then I re-read your words and began to think some more. I recalled the last words my mother spoke to me. They were hurtful and cruel – they pierced my soul. I’ve survived many years since that moment in the sanitized hospital room, but the damage was thorough and never really felt repaired. I tried forgiveness...but really, what was I forgiving? And so, I offer myself as evidence of surviving without healing...so far, anyway...
Wow, Jack. Some serious soul-searching and raw honesty here. Thank you for that.
I've been in that same place, as have so many others who reached out to me after reading this... you are most definitely not alone, if that's any consolation.
I love the "so far, anyway..." because it hints at the great truth that as long as we breathe, repair is possible. And actually, it may be possible in the great beyond, as well, but I can't be sure about that... :-) xox
Sometimes...I think resignation works wonders to keep me moving along the survival path until healing appears and repairs any dangling nerves - I'm just not sure when that healing will occur. As the great Van Morrison sings, "I'm just playing the healing game."