What a gift you and Peter gave your children! Playing outdoors and playing make believe indoors are like air and water for children, yet they’ve become rare events for most. Beyond that, getting used to being different from an early age becomes like a super power as they get older, when mindless conformity becomes dangerous. Sometimes the most beneficial use of parent power is to just say no like you did. Thanks for this message. I share your passion on this topic; children have borne the brunt of the technological takeover as you clearly explain. Thank you for sharing this important information!!
We really were lucky to be able to provide that. I owe a lot to my sister who started a Waldorf school -- she was instrumental in a lot of our child-rearing choices. Thanks for the comment, Katie!
Your sister started a Waldorf school?!? Wow. Waldorf is special. Although, a bit priced out for me. But I practice that kind of free play learning mentality with my kids now.
Yep, she did. And my parents died when I was young-ish, so that's how we afforded it. In retrospect, I'm starting to think that small homeschooling groups, using Waldorfian methods, is an even better option. The beloved Waldorf school that she started, where I was the Administrator, followed NYS lockdown mania in full lockstep. It was sad to see.
Yes, I very much wanted to send my children to Waldorf but at the time, my husband didn’t support that choice and I lost the argument…and eventually lost the unlike minded husband.😁
Right after Peter and I got engaged, he asked/begged me to take his last name, because he was a child of divorce and it meant a lot to him. So in fine Monty Hall style, I said I would... IF our first-born would have "Poindexter" as his/her middle name, AND all future kids would go to a Waldorf school. He claims he was so stunned by the ramifications of the Poindexter-middle-name demand that he barely registered the second one.
👏 👏 👏 not gonna lie, super impressive! My kids love the outdoors (camping, fishing, hiking), but they also love their screens. Although, the youngest loses attention pretty quickly and would rather just listen to music. And dance! I couldn’t care less for a TV. We have a tiny one in the living room. I’d never put one in a bedroom. I didn’t have a televisión throughout my 20s, but now, I’d like air playing a podcast on it once in awhile. But I’m super impressed you did that with three young ones (relatively close in age). Kudos to you and Peter.
I never really viewed our choice as impressive, but thanks for the kudos! I think finding balance for our children is the goal, and it sounds like you've done that.
I worked an outdoor special event construction job, with a constant cigarette hanging out of my mouth (gross!) and then drank with the people I worked with after our gigs. And did it day after day. Hours were long, sometimes pulling off 36 hour shifts. I always say, that decade in my twenties was enough work for the rest of my life.
But yeah, to stay strong with your kids and not rely on the digital babysitter is a feat. Mine are on their oculus right now. Although, I’m filling up the inflatable, so they are about to go splash.
Damn! Thanks for the explanation -- that's quite a vision of you. What a slog. No wonder you have so many practicable skills! I can assure you, you didn't miss anything tv-wise during that decade :-)
Haha! I heard Party of Five was pretty good. Or was that Melrose Place? Or Beverly Hills 90210? 😉 now, not to sound like a complete nerd, but when I was in high school, I watched Star Trek: TNG religiously. Don’t judge me. I thought it was the coolest depiction of the future. And look at us now... 😬
I knew I can count in my fellow nerd! Even the original, eh? Impressive! Did your kids ever get into it? I know Trekkies like to pass the torch. My kids stopped me at the “Boldly go where no man has gone before” and didn’t even start the episode. 😂
I've been meaning to tell you, Tonika, I love your absolute, total honesty in all your comments. You always tell the truth, like when you say, "Oh I wanted to do that, but I just didn't". That's not an exact quote, but it goes something like that. You just tell it like it is however it lands. Good for you.
I was raised out doors. Well, it was more like, my parents opened the door, and out I went until dinner. I'd climb up trees onto the roof of our house. As a young kid, my friends and I would crawl through the storm drains on our street. Adventure and discovery was the game. It made me very independent. We raised our children similarly. Our two homes were situated in large areas of grass and woods. It was more interesting that whatever was on TV. It has given them an inner confidence and independence that has benefited them in their careers and families. I'm passing along your post to a number of people. Looking forward to more wisdom.
Sounds like an ideal childhood environment -- for you and your kids! Having that independence as a young person really does shape us. I grew up in the burbs, but still had the freedom to explore at will. My dream is for every kid to have that.
Thanks for being here and for sharing your thoughts, Ed!
We have followed a similar path with our kids homeschooling. One of their daily classes was life skills: cooking, cleaning, gardening. They learned from me (a former union laborer) how to work hard, fast and efficiently. How to turn a big chore into a game or contest. My wife taught about precision, perfection, and attention to detail through baking (her parents owned a bakery). Over time they took these attributes and applied them to their own passions. My older son built a forge, learn to blacksmith and was making and selling knives by the time he was 15. My younger son became an excellent ballet dancer, skateboarder and artist. Both have surfed and done martial arts with me since day 1. We too are the weird family in our neighborhood. Instead of watching sports on television we play sports, instead of buying things, we build things.....
It is ironic how many of the neighborhood kids eventually end up in my martial arts when their parents "don't know what to do with them." COVID was telling. Not much changed in our lives except that we had a bigger garden.
What an amazing childhood you and your wife gave your kids. A rarity these days. I believe it's people like your now-adult children that will save the world. Sounds hyperbolic, but I'm quite serious...
Mary, you guys are such incredible parents! It is really challenging now with the cost of childcare, to have three occupied while we both work full-time. We do have some pretty serious limits for screens but I genuinely don’t know what we would do without them! I also feel like so many people who are just 10 years or so ahead of us, had family close to help. I look forward to having that in our lives soon, and I hope that that will give our kids more opportunity doing some of the things that you’ve described here! Grateful for your perspective! I was also raised where we couldn’t come home before dinner 😂 end it was huge for my imagination, and capacity for being with others.
Oh Ashley, I feel for you. We didn't have family nearby at all when ours were really young, and it SUCKED. I share your hope that you can soon give your kids the gift of more screen freedom -- I'm pretty passionate about it, as you can tell. 😂 Thanks for the comment and the compliment; based on what I know about you, you're an incredible parent, too. xox
Ah that's an idear...I may indeed write it up... I think if ya never start ya never miss whut ya don't need! an' yup, not only are the ol' ads an' commercials funny--it's far easier ta show kids how manipulative they 'R cuz the passin' of time alone lends perspective... fake butter (Parkay!) an' doc-turds pushin' cigarettes (!), an' toothpastes "featurin' " extree fluoride--so seein' the oldies let's 'em know not ta trust the newbies either! (the jingles were better then tho!)
Oooo, clever woman! Wish I'd negotiated more like a gangsta. Those kids now know the depth and breadth of your commitment to their freedom. Good for you!
My wife and I have decided on the no TV thing, and have loved it. Some of our friends have asked us, "so, what do you do...?", to which we laugh and invite them over for dinner sometime. Thanks for this!
Good for you. That's wonderful... and tragicomedic. It's astonishing how quickly human beings have forgotten the basic elements of what "entertained" us for thousands of years. Yikes. I hope they accept your invitation!
May 30, 2023·edited May 30, 2023Liked by Mary Poindexter McLaughlin
Oh my my, such a milquetoast warnin' from the "sTurgeon gen'ral" but of course in this day n' age've "fragiles" I guess they don't wanna break anyone's animal crackers... We also went teevee free (still are!) an' no regrets! I have (like yerself) some fond mem'ries of Andy Griffith show (yet ta revisit mit die kinder) but thanx to a trusty deeveedee player we eventually introduced The Honeymooners an' I Love Lucy, both relished over time (commercial free too!) Thankfully in the homeschool world it wuz not so uncommon... ditto I know in the land've Waldorf (so at least yer kids knew of others who went that route). Sounds like yer kiddos all got good heads on their shoulders in part b/c of it and even better--they know ta thank ya fer keepin' 'em away from the "proper-ganders" that indeed do such harm. A fun thing we did (time ta time) wuz to wartch old commercials--showin' 'em how stuff wuz sold to folks which wuz a good lesson in media studies! We've always been schmart phone free (but I'd take Maxwell Schmart's shoe phone any day!)
Wow!! Smart phone free! You have upped the ante, my friend. That's fantastic. I'd love to read a post of yours where you share your experience with THAT... :-)
And I love the idea of using old commercials as a lesson in advertising propaganda -- that's brilliant, Daisy!
Excellent article Mary. The concerns you raise seem to be at the top of the list of most parents today. We have walked a similar road in our family and I have been writing along very similar lines on my substack. Here a fitting quote from my recent piece "From Feeding Moloch to Digital Minimalism":
"We sense even at a gut level that something is off with the negative influence that digital devices are having on youth, that they are conduits for portable pathologies and mood manipulation. When we get specific and ask what sacrifice the Machine demands of our children in terms of their time, mental health, relationships, overall well-being, and basic connection to reality, the cost becomes striking and unacceptable. Stated in stark terms, we are sacrificing our children to a digital Moloch whose cruelties include: slave labour, sexual exploitation, solitary confinement, addiction, depression, anxiety, and suicidality."https://schooloftheunconformed.substack.com/p/from-feeding-moloch-to-digital-minimalism
So well stated, Ruth. Wow. I look forward to reading your article -- thank you so much for posting here! We are clearly on the same page, and I'm glad to know about your writing. I imagine others here will be, too.
Blue light hijacks our dopamine, eventually depleting it, as a result lowering melatonin, making everyone addicted, ticking-time bombs for chronic disease:
May 29, 2023·edited May 29, 2023Liked by Mary Poindexter McLaughlin
Lovely article. Restacked! This is all the evidence anyone should need:
1 in 4 Children have had online sexual encounters with adults via social media. Nearly 1 in 3 teen girls have been approached by adults asking for nudes, while 1 in 6 girls aged 9 -12 years have interacted sexually with an adult on these platforms.
Kudos to you, Mary, and Peter for your awesome common-sense parenting. Those are three lucky children you raised. I was born in 1953 so, of course, we played outside all the time. When I had children of my own, they were outside most of the time playing with my friend's children while we always wondered where everyone else's were hiding. We did have a tv but I honestly don't remember them watching it that much. My daughter, who just turned 37, often says how glad she is that she didn't grow up with a cellphone.I'm horrified when I see a toddler in a stroller holding a phone or a tablet. And that comment at the party...just wow.
It feels strange to be congratulated for "common sense," but thank you. :-) What the hell has happened to our world?
I share your dismay at seeing toddlers lost in electronica. It makes me so, so sad -- and I want to DO something! But I also feel like I have to respect other people's parenting choices... except on some level, it seems like child neglect at best, child abuse at worst. So I write essays and hope that it helps someone, somewhere. Sigh.
Honestly I think giving children these devices is comparable to a parent beating their child daily on the head. Child neglect and abuse. This is why ignorance is the ultimate evil, and as we raise consciousness other boats, not many, will follow.
What a gift you and Peter gave your children! Playing outdoors and playing make believe indoors are like air and water for children, yet they’ve become rare events for most. Beyond that, getting used to being different from an early age becomes like a super power as they get older, when mindless conformity becomes dangerous. Sometimes the most beneficial use of parent power is to just say no like you did. Thanks for this message. I share your passion on this topic; children have borne the brunt of the technological takeover as you clearly explain. Thank you for sharing this important information!!
We really were lucky to be able to provide that. I owe a lot to my sister who started a Waldorf school -- she was instrumental in a lot of our child-rearing choices. Thanks for the comment, Katie!
Your sister started a Waldorf school?!? Wow. Waldorf is special. Although, a bit priced out for me. But I practice that kind of free play learning mentality with my kids now.
Yep, she did. And my parents died when I was young-ish, so that's how we afforded it. In retrospect, I'm starting to think that small homeschooling groups, using Waldorfian methods, is an even better option. The beloved Waldorf school that she started, where I was the Administrator, followed NYS lockdown mania in full lockstep. It was sad to see.
😢
Wait, did your Waldorf school have a hostel branch in New Jersey?
No... I've never heard of such a thing!
Ah, ok. Must have been a different Waldorf School.
Yes, I very much wanted to send my children to Waldorf but at the time, my husband didn’t support that choice and I lost the argument…and eventually lost the unlike minded husband.😁
😁!
You might like this anecdote:
Right after Peter and I got engaged, he asked/begged me to take his last name, because he was a child of divorce and it meant a lot to him. So in fine Monty Hall style, I said I would... IF our first-born would have "Poindexter" as his/her middle name, AND all future kids would go to a Waldorf school. He claims he was so stunned by the ramifications of the Poindexter-middle-name demand that he barely registered the second one.
My kids call me a gangsta for that story. 😂
👏 👏 👏 not gonna lie, super impressive! My kids love the outdoors (camping, fishing, hiking), but they also love their screens. Although, the youngest loses attention pretty quickly and would rather just listen to music. And dance! I couldn’t care less for a TV. We have a tiny one in the living room. I’d never put one in a bedroom. I didn’t have a televisión throughout my 20s, but now, I’d like air playing a podcast on it once in awhile. But I’m super impressed you did that with three young ones (relatively close in age). Kudos to you and Peter.
I never really viewed our choice as impressive, but thanks for the kudos! I think finding balance for our children is the goal, and it sounds like you've done that.
No tv at all during your 20s? Why was that?
I worked an outdoor special event construction job, with a constant cigarette hanging out of my mouth (gross!) and then drank with the people I worked with after our gigs. And did it day after day. Hours were long, sometimes pulling off 36 hour shifts. I always say, that decade in my twenties was enough work for the rest of my life.
But yeah, to stay strong with your kids and not rely on the digital babysitter is a feat. Mine are on their oculus right now. Although, I’m filling up the inflatable, so they are about to go splash.
Damn! Thanks for the explanation -- that's quite a vision of you. What a slog. No wonder you have so many practicable skills! I can assure you, you didn't miss anything tv-wise during that decade :-)
Haha! I heard Party of Five was pretty good. Or was that Melrose Place? Or Beverly Hills 90210? 😉 now, not to sound like a complete nerd, but when I was in high school, I watched Star Trek: TNG religiously. Don’t judge me. I thought it was the coolest depiction of the future. And look at us now... 😬
Very funny, you.
I would never judge. I was a TOTAL Trekkie, from the original through TNG!
I knew I can count in my fellow nerd! Even the original, eh? Impressive! Did your kids ever get into it? I know Trekkies like to pass the torch. My kids stopped me at the “Boldly go where no man has gone before” and didn’t even start the episode. 😂
I've been meaning to tell you, Tonika, I love your absolute, total honesty in all your comments. You always tell the truth, like when you say, "Oh I wanted to do that, but I just didn't". That's not an exact quote, but it goes something like that. You just tell it like it is however it lands. Good for you.
I completely agree, Rocket!!
Hahahahaha! Thanks! I think? I tend to wax poetic in my posts, but am an impulse commenter. Decked out with typos and autocorrects and warts and all.
Another reason I love ya, warts and all...
I was raised out doors. Well, it was more like, my parents opened the door, and out I went until dinner. I'd climb up trees onto the roof of our house. As a young kid, my friends and I would crawl through the storm drains on our street. Adventure and discovery was the game. It made me very independent. We raised our children similarly. Our two homes were situated in large areas of grass and woods. It was more interesting that whatever was on TV. It has given them an inner confidence and independence that has benefited them in their careers and families. I'm passing along your post to a number of people. Looking forward to more wisdom.
Sounds like an ideal childhood environment -- for you and your kids! Having that independence as a young person really does shape us. I grew up in the burbs, but still had the freedom to explore at will. My dream is for every kid to have that.
Thanks for being here and for sharing your thoughts, Ed!
Awesome Mary! Good on you and Peter for having the foresight and strength to make such a powerfully positive and lasting commitment.
Thanks, CM! I know you have made some courageous decisions of your own in service of your children 💪
We have followed a similar path with our kids homeschooling. One of their daily classes was life skills: cooking, cleaning, gardening. They learned from me (a former union laborer) how to work hard, fast and efficiently. How to turn a big chore into a game or contest. My wife taught about precision, perfection, and attention to detail through baking (her parents owned a bakery). Over time they took these attributes and applied them to their own passions. My older son built a forge, learn to blacksmith and was making and selling knives by the time he was 15. My younger son became an excellent ballet dancer, skateboarder and artist. Both have surfed and done martial arts with me since day 1. We too are the weird family in our neighborhood. Instead of watching sports on television we play sports, instead of buying things, we build things.....
It is ironic how many of the neighborhood kids eventually end up in my martial arts when their parents "don't know what to do with them." COVID was telling. Not much changed in our lives except that we had a bigger garden.
What an amazing childhood you and your wife gave your kids. A rarity these days. I believe it's people like your now-adult children that will save the world. Sounds hyperbolic, but I'm quite serious...
Mary, you guys are such incredible parents! It is really challenging now with the cost of childcare, to have three occupied while we both work full-time. We do have some pretty serious limits for screens but I genuinely don’t know what we would do without them! I also feel like so many people who are just 10 years or so ahead of us, had family close to help. I look forward to having that in our lives soon, and I hope that that will give our kids more opportunity doing some of the things that you’ve described here! Grateful for your perspective! I was also raised where we couldn’t come home before dinner 😂 end it was huge for my imagination, and capacity for being with others.
Oh Ashley, I feel for you. We didn't have family nearby at all when ours were really young, and it SUCKED. I share your hope that you can soon give your kids the gift of more screen freedom -- I'm pretty passionate about it, as you can tell. 😂 Thanks for the comment and the compliment; based on what I know about you, you're an incredible parent, too. xox
Ah that's an idear...I may indeed write it up... I think if ya never start ya never miss whut ya don't need! an' yup, not only are the ol' ads an' commercials funny--it's far easier ta show kids how manipulative they 'R cuz the passin' of time alone lends perspective... fake butter (Parkay!) an' doc-turds pushin' cigarettes (!), an' toothpastes "featurin' " extree fluoride--so seein' the oldies let's 'em know not ta trust the newbies either! (the jingles were better then tho!)
Oooo, clever woman! Wish I'd negotiated more like a gangsta. Those kids now know the depth and breadth of your commitment to their freedom. Good for you!
My wife and I have decided on the no TV thing, and have loved it. Some of our friends have asked us, "so, what do you do...?", to which we laugh and invite them over for dinner sometime. Thanks for this!
Good for you. That's wonderful... and tragicomedic. It's astonishing how quickly human beings have forgotten the basic elements of what "entertained" us for thousands of years. Yikes. I hope they accept your invitation!
Oh my my, such a milquetoast warnin' from the "sTurgeon gen'ral" but of course in this day n' age've "fragiles" I guess they don't wanna break anyone's animal crackers... We also went teevee free (still are!) an' no regrets! I have (like yerself) some fond mem'ries of Andy Griffith show (yet ta revisit mit die kinder) but thanx to a trusty deeveedee player we eventually introduced The Honeymooners an' I Love Lucy, both relished over time (commercial free too!) Thankfully in the homeschool world it wuz not so uncommon... ditto I know in the land've Waldorf (so at least yer kids knew of others who went that route). Sounds like yer kiddos all got good heads on their shoulders in part b/c of it and even better--they know ta thank ya fer keepin' 'em away from the "proper-ganders" that indeed do such harm. A fun thing we did (time ta time) wuz to wartch old commercials--showin' 'em how stuff wuz sold to folks which wuz a good lesson in media studies! We've always been schmart phone free (but I'd take Maxwell Schmart's shoe phone any day!)
Wow!! Smart phone free! You have upped the ante, my friend. That's fantastic. I'd love to read a post of yours where you share your experience with THAT... :-)
And I love the idea of using old commercials as a lesson in advertising propaganda -- that's brilliant, Daisy!
Excellent article Mary. The concerns you raise seem to be at the top of the list of most parents today. We have walked a similar road in our family and I have been writing along very similar lines on my substack. Here a fitting quote from my recent piece "From Feeding Moloch to Digital Minimalism":
"We sense even at a gut level that something is off with the negative influence that digital devices are having on youth, that they are conduits for portable pathologies and mood manipulation. When we get specific and ask what sacrifice the Machine demands of our children in terms of their time, mental health, relationships, overall well-being, and basic connection to reality, the cost becomes striking and unacceptable. Stated in stark terms, we are sacrificing our children to a digital Moloch whose cruelties include: slave labour, sexual exploitation, solitary confinement, addiction, depression, anxiety, and suicidality."https://schooloftheunconformed.substack.com/p/from-feeding-moloch-to-digital-minimalism
So well stated, Ruth. Wow. I look forward to reading your article -- thank you so much for posting here! We are clearly on the same page, and I'm glad to know about your writing. I imagine others here will be, too.
Blue light hijacks our dopamine, eventually depleting it, as a result lowering melatonin, making everyone addicted, ticking-time bombs for chronic disease:
https://romanshapoval.substack.com/p/the-1-emf-youve-forgotten-about
I didn't know that... thank you for posting! I look forward to reading it.
Combine everyone wearing sunglasses to block out UV and our melatonin production is thrown off even more. Thanks so much Mary.
Lovely article. Restacked! This is all the evidence anyone should need:
1 in 4 Children have had online sexual encounters with adults via social media. Nearly 1 in 3 teen girls have been approached by adults asking for nudes, while 1 in 6 girls aged 9 -12 years have interacted sexually with an adult on these platforms.
Thanks for the restack, Roman. Those stats are HORRIFYING.
Kudos to you, Mary, and Peter for your awesome common-sense parenting. Those are three lucky children you raised. I was born in 1953 so, of course, we played outside all the time. When I had children of my own, they were outside most of the time playing with my friend's children while we always wondered where everyone else's were hiding. We did have a tv but I honestly don't remember them watching it that much. My daughter, who just turned 37, often says how glad she is that she didn't grow up with a cellphone.I'm horrified when I see a toddler in a stroller holding a phone or a tablet. And that comment at the party...just wow.
It feels strange to be congratulated for "common sense," but thank you. :-) What the hell has happened to our world?
I share your dismay at seeing toddlers lost in electronica. It makes me so, so sad -- and I want to DO something! But I also feel like I have to respect other people's parenting choices... except on some level, it seems like child neglect at best, child abuse at worst. So I write essays and hope that it helps someone, somewhere. Sigh.
Honestly I think giving children these devices is comparable to a parent beating their child daily on the head. Child neglect and abuse. This is why ignorance is the ultimate evil, and as we raise consciousness other boats, not many, will follow.
Well said!