The Declaration of DEPENDENCE, 2.0
Did you know there was a 1.0 version?
You might be surprised to learn, as I was, that after The Declaration of Independence was signed on August 2, 1776, another declaration was written and signed about four months later: The Declaration of Dependence.
Yes, yes, you read that right.
In November of 1776, The Declaration of Dependence was signed by 547 Loyalists from New York. (Ah, New York.) The signers came from all walks of life, but they were united in their loyalty to the British crown and wanted King George to know it. So they added their names to the boot-licking letter at Fraunces Tavern in Lower Manhattan over a period of three days, then sent a copy over to the Crown and crossed their fingers.
547 is a lot of signers. In fact, it’s 491 more than the 56 delegates who had signed for independence. Yet have you ever heard about it? I hadn’t.
Here we have a classic victor-written history example. If the British had won, the now cringe-worthy Declaration of Dependence would be honored (or honoured, actually) for its lion-hearted allegiance to King George, the lawful, rightful ruler.
Instead, it’s squirreled away in the Patricia D. Klingenstein Library of the New York Historical Society, an embarrassment of mewling gutlessness all but forgotten by the public at large. Of course, almost all of American history is forgotten by the public at large, but at least the name of The Declaration of Independence still rings a bell for most. Or some. A few.
All of this is to give some context to a new Declaration of Dependence that I’ve composed, on behalf of those I’m calling the NeoLoyalists.
It’s shorter than those declarations written in 1776, for the obvious reason that our attention spans have bottomed out since then. I’ve retained the sterling framework of the “Independence” version, attempted to incorporate the obsequy of the Dependence version, and dosed it up liberally with some colloquial snark.
I wrote it because my first reaction to the Fraunces Tavern document was so immediate and so strong: what kind of adult human beings would actually put in writing an oath to dependence??
And because my second reaction was: Hmm… what might that look like today?
So here goes.
The Declaration of Dependence, 2.0
In My Living Room, September 24, 2023
May it please your excellencies.
WHEN in the Course of human events, some tiny, annoying bunch of Misinformed Radicals think that the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them to be separate and equal,
That’s when the rest of us, the Decent Ones who respect The Way Things Are and respect the Powers That Be (that’s You, your excellencies), feel impelled to declare the reasons for our continued Subservience, so that we might remain in your Awesome graces, K?
WE NeoLoyalists hold these Truths to be self-evident:
that all Personages are created equal-ish, that they are endowed by their DNA with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty-Lite™, and the Attainment of Happiness;
that to secure these Rights, Governments derive their just Powers from the continued Consent of Themselves; and
that whenever the Misinformed say that Governments have become destructive, or corrupt, or not nice, it is the Right of the Informed (that’s Us on behalf of You) to censor or de-platform those sadly Misinformed, to guarantee Safety and Happiness for all.
Experience hath shewn, that Personkind would rather suffer the icky Evils that they’ve gotten used to, than right themselves by abolishing the Forms to which they are accustomed. And Fact Checkers hath shewn that that previous sentence is a dangerous talking point and should be ignored.
Only extremists believe that when a long Train of Abuses and Usurpations (their words, not ours) starts to look like “Despotism,” it is their “Right,” it is their “Duty,” to throw off such Government. Please. One person’s Despotism is another person’s Utopia, areweright?
The History of You, our present Rulers — for whom we feel the most warm and affectionate attachment —is a History of repeated Goodness and Truth, all intended to establish absolute Heaven on Earth. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid World:
You have given your Assent to New Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the Public Good, like:
The Federal Reserve Act of 1913, to make sure our money is safe in a Federal Reserve, which is clearly run by We the People, ‘cuz why else would it have “Federal” in its name?
The Espionage Act of 1917, which you have amended to persecute whistleblowers and journalists, which they totally Deserve for disregarding Your Privacy and putting Us at Risk.
The National Childhood Vaccine Injury Act of 1986, to ensure drug manufacturers don’t lose too much money in injury Settlements and thus make vaccines Hard to Obtain for the rest of us, thank You very much;
The Patriot Act of 2001, whose name alone tells us that it is Good, which is why so many of You did not need to Read the bill before passing it;
The Homeland Security Act of 2002 (who wouldn’t want a cozy Homeland?) which, alongside the Patriot Act, protects our Freedoms by taking away a few Constitutional rights that only Criminals/Extremists need, because our Enemies hate our Freedoms.
The National Defense Authorization Act of 2012, which makes indefinite military detention legal for the first time in our history. Finally! Lock up those Enemies and throw away the key! Did someone say “Guantanamo?”
You have replaced or repealed Fusty Old Laws, like:
The McFadden Act of 1927, replacing it with the Branching Efficiency Act of 1994, which permits banks to Acquire and Merge with other banks in other states, concentrating financial power. Yawn. Bigger is always Better;
The Communications Act of 1934, replacing it with the Telecommunications Act of 1996, so that Six media companies now legally control 90% of the market. Consolidation just means Lower Prices, Passing the Savings on to Us;
The Smith-Mundt Act of 1948, so that You can use propaganda in a Good Way, not just on Foreign Enemies but on Americans too, to help us all do what’s Good.
You have kept among us, in Times of Peace, Standing Armies, and have Militarized our society (IRS agents with guns, how cool is that?) because you just never know when You need to Invade Immediately to protect our Freedoms! Plus, a Military is only used against its own people by Tyrants, which Clearly You are Not.
You have kept us Safe through Noble white lies, removing from us the Responsibility of making Good decisions about complicated topics like Geopolitics, Dangers of Invasion, or Personal Health, which Frees us up to enjoy Life more.
You have Improved upon the Election system so Greatly, making it Incorruptible and More Secure than Ever™, ensuring we always have the most brilliant, moral, qualified, and courageous Leaders (that’s You!) to Hear, Represent, and Enact the Will of the People.
You have endeavored to increase the Population of these States by opening the border to encourage Migrations hither, legal or no, which the Misinformed think is propping up a multi-billion dollar drug and human trafficking industry, but we NeoLoyalists know is just Unfailing Humanitarianism.
Because all Personages are created equal-ish,
You have by Consent of Yourselves, amassed wealth from Your inside knowledge of the Markets (as You should, to offset Your Thankless Work and Paltry Salaries);
You have experimented on some of the citizenry for our improved National Defense (we are Indebted to their necessary Sacrifice);
You have made World-Class Education™, which teaches only The Truth, freely available to a grateful Public who can’t afford the Private schools Your children attend (So Kind!).
You have regulated Addictive drugs to keep us Safe, and approved All Good Things like Caffeine and Alcohol and Sugar, because they make us Sooo Happy, thank You!
Because We (not You, Your Awesomeness) have created for Ourselves a trauma- and fear-based society, You have Responded out of Concern for our Wellbeing, and Combined with Commerce to encourage Unlimited Consumption:
of Material Goods to satisfy our Inalienable Need for Shopping, as it is the True meaning of Life;
of bioengineered Food, which is plentiful and Affordable thanks to You;
of Digital Entertainment, which kindly Distracts us from any Health Problems we may suffer and Soothes away any Concern about our Decreasing Lifespans;
of Pharmaceuticals, to Relieve any symptoms created by our Grateful Dependence on all of the above Abundance;
of More Pharmaceuticals, to Prevent any illness engineered by the U.S. Military to harm our Enemies who hate our Freedoms;
of Even More Pharmaceuticals, to attain that Happiness that is our Right;
of Technology and Industry without ethical or environmental Restraint, because all Technology is a sign of Progress;
of the Trusted Media that predigests all information for us because Thinking is Hard™.
Finally, You have wisely and graciously refrained from Disturbing our Peace by spending Taxes on Wars Without our Permission. For this, and for all the Uncountable Spending you do without Bothering us, thank You!
We, therefore, the Patriotic NeoLoyalists of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, in appealing to the Supreme Judge of the World for the Rectitude of our Intentions, (whoever that is), do solemnly Publish and Declare: we are 24/7 Dependent on You.
Just as we are gratefully Dependent on You, we acknowledge Your Dependence on Oligarchical Dynasties and Supranational Corporations, which completes the Circle of Life, since Corporations are People, Too™.
We NewLoyalists have steadily and uniformly opposed those Misinformed: the most unnatural, unprovoked Rebellion that ever disgraced the annals of Time.
We condemn those who say far-fetched things like a World System of Financial Control in Private Hands Influences You. (Ha. As if!) We trust that Your Power is Incorruptible, and that all Alliances You forge — with Any and all Giants, are only for our mutual Betterment and Prosperity.
Please accept our Humble sentiments of Gratitude for the generous and Humane attention to this Declaration, and notice our firm Reliance on the Protection of You. If the SHTF, we apologetically ask that You remember we’ve always been the Good, Obedient Ones.
With unshaken fidelity, we swear our Allegiance to You and mutually pledge to You our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.
Signed,
GRATUS OVIUM
In case you missed it, or think I’m kidding, here’s one more link to the real, original Declaration of Dependence written in 1776.
I welcome your comments on my version. What did I miss? Anything that should be amended? I’m open to constructive feedback.
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As always, keep your light shining bright.
xox
M
God bless you Mary - persistence and black humour in the face of would-be tyranny will save the world as it has done many times before. So good that America won, and that there remains still a heroic spirit in many of her people. In this wonderful combination of satire and history lessosn, I feel resonance with so many of your other pieces, from the recent 'Does it yet Wave?' to 'The Allure of Easy' and the reticence of those who don't like the struggle of 'Earth' (both those last connected with the temptation to bow to the kind of Stockholm Syndrome you describe here). And on to 'Eyes to the SKy' (I was not born to grovel), and 'Who are the Unconscious ones'?
Let us hope that when the situation becomes such a grotesque parody of reality and truth it makes the choices starkly visible and drives the counter-movement more strongly - again as it has done before. The fat lady will not sing until we win. (That's 'Apocoloptism).'
Until then, crank up the satire and black humour, ridicule the tyrants and strike up the Star Spangled Banner!
Ok. What arm do I need to twist to get you to record this on film? Do I need to come down to Florida?!? This is so flippin’ brilliant!! Let’s make it into a skit!